If any of you have spoken to me for more than 5 minutes in the last year, then you know that Parker and have been trying to conceive our second child; Key word being “trying,” as it has yet to happen. In pregnancy terms, all we’ve gotten is a BFN!
How naïve was I to think that because we got pregnant with Luke on only our second try that we’d have no problem the next time around? Life can be so ironic. I was so prepared for it to take two years the first time around and BAM! Just like that, BFP! I was shocked, thrilled and left feeling super confident, even referring to myself as Fertile Myrtle at one point.
My hope and plan (I use the term loosely because you can only plan so much when trying to conceive) was to have our second child when Luke was 18 months old, which is coming up in two weeks. The big problem with that is that I am no more pregnant now then I was a year ago. In the mean time, I have watched and read as countless friends, acquaintances and celebrities have announced that they are with child. Each time, however happy I may have been for that person, I am always left feeling a bit jealous( BTW, I am so not happy for Kate Hudson or Natalie Portman! Seriously?!) Why am I not pregnant? They weren’t even trying, didn’t want to get pregnant, aren’t even married, etc. I have been left feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed and scarred and at times, even ashamed for some reason. I dread having someone ask me when we are going to have another child.
The whole reason I’m writing this now is because of last night. Last night, at 8pm, my period started. Again. Five days before it should have. Again. I sat on the toilet with my face in my hands and just sat there. Sat. There. Not terribly surprised but nonetheless heartbroken. I allowed myself to cry last night but only for a couple hours. We watched
Love and Other Drugs, so I cried along with the movie while eating chocolate ice cream straight from the tub (it was all natural and low fat, but what does that matter when you have six servings?). I went from sad to frustrated to downright angry. I woke this morning still angry, still disappointed, but with a renewed sense of determination.
You should know that Parker has been incredible through this whole thing. He’s even taking his vitamins. His only problem is that he is a guy, a very optimistic one, and he simply doesn’t know what to say to me sometimes. The reason I sat down to write this today is because last night, as I sat there crying, my husband trying to comfort me, I just felt like there is no one that I could talk to who can possibly understand why am so upset and hurting. I know thousands of other women have gone through far worse in their efforts to conceive, but hearing that only makes me feel worse. I just needed to take all of these thoughts and worries that are swirling around in my head and organize them into something that I can make sense of. Microsoft Word, luckily, can’t brush my worries off with a “be patient.” This is my therapy, and luckily, it’s of the free variety!
To bring you up to date, here’s how the last few months have looked:
I stopped nursing on October 4th, 2010. At least Luke was ready. I would have happily continued had it not been glaringly obvious that unless I weaned, I would never ovulate, have a period or conceive again. Nursing was so important to me and I hate feeling like I should have cut it shorter in order to get pregnant. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving that I finally spotted. Not had a period, mind you, but spotted. I spotted again in December, twice and finally, in January, had a real, honest to goodness, 8-day period.
I’ve had two OBGYN’s tell me the exact same thing: “You are perfectly healthy (physically)! Relax! You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your body needs time to regulate. You’ve already proven that your pipes work!” At the time, these assurances were helpful, but I’m still not pregnant.
My doctor also reminded me that I’ve only really been trying for three months, since I only started a cycle in January and that even under perfect conditions you only have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant. That may be so, but in my head we’ve been trying since February of 2010. That’s when I went off birth control and we first started hoping that something would happen.
I am, of course, tracking my cycles like a hawk, studying cervical mucus like a mad scientist and never far from my trusty hand mirror. Needless to say, I don’t ovulate without knowing and expecting said ovulation. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is nomal, meaning my ovarian reserve is good. These are both great signs!
The bad sign is that, every time I’ve knowingly ovulated, I’ve started my period 5-7 days later. My luteal phase (days between ovulation and menses) is way too short! Most doctors agree that anything shorter than 10 days is problematic, and that 12-14 days is healthy and ideal. If your luteal phase is too short, the fertilized egg can’t implant into the uterus and it can indicate hormonal imbalances.
I came to the self-diagnostic conclusion that I had LPD (Luteal Phase Disorder), most likely caused by high prolactin, the hormone that produces breastmilk. It makes sense considering I nursed Luke for a full year. I did a lot of research and discovered a site that suggested taking 50-100mg of Vitamin B6 to help balance by hormones and help with my LPD.
I should probably mention that my doctor heartily disagreed with me when I mentioned LPD and told me that it is marked by numerous miscarriages (Thank God, something I’ve never had to go through). He also said that B6 wouldn’t do anything to help, but I’m taking 100mg a day anyway. In fact, I got tired of waiting for a doctor to do anything but insist that I’m fine. I decided to take my fertility into my own hands so I put myself on the following fertility regimen three weeks ago:
Morning:
I cup green tea
One cup red raspberry leaf tea (supposed to strengthen the uterus)
1 Fish Oil and 1 Evening PrimRose Oil capsule (EPR is taken only up to ovulation)
Plain Greek yogurt with 2 Tbsp of Wheat Germ
Lunch:
Fertility Smoothie: 1 Banana, I Tbsp honey, 2 tsp Maca powder (South American root widely recognized as a fertility superfood), 1 tsp cinnamon and 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 orange (Vitamin C helps the Vitamin E in the almond milk to be absorbed)
100mg Vitamin B6
B Complex tablet
1 Fish Oil and 1 Evening PrimRose Oil capsule (EPR is taken only up to ovulation)
One cup red raspberry leaf tea
1 dose of Geritol Tonic- This is positively disgusting so I dissolve it in my tea and choke it down that way
Snack:
¼ C Raw Almonds
Dinner:
Bakes sweet potato
Spinach Salad
Grapefruit
1 Fish Oil and 1 Evening PrimRose Oil capsule (EPR is taken only up to ovulation)
One cup red raspberry leaf tea
Rx prenatal
6 Spirulina tablets
A lot a lot of prayer.
The dinner food does change but I try to eat sweet potatoes several times a week. Otherwise, all the vitamins, tea and food are a consumed daily without fail.
Like I said, I’ve only been taking the B vitamins, Maca, honey, cinnamon and geritol tonic for 3 weeks now and although I started my period last night, my luteal phase was 9 days this time! That’s 4 whole days longer than last time so I’m definitely getting closer and I definitely attribute that to my new diet.
It is still so frustrating however that I am jumping through all these hoops in hopes of getting pregnant and others do nothing more than have sex. Parker and I both stopped consuming any kind of alcohol months ago. Not that we drank a lot and not just because we are TTC. We simply decided that as Christians and as parents, alcohol did not have a place in our lives and home.
I know so much more about all things conception-related this time around that it’s truly amazing that I ever got pregnant in the first place. I have become quite the expert on infertility, hungrily consuming any conception-related material and have come across a lot of interesting and helpful information.
Personal Path to Pregnancy by Beth Kiley is a $30 downloadable Ebook that is highly informative and a must-read for anyone TTC. Although I try to avoid online forums that begin “yeah me and my boyfriend did it the other day and didn’t use nothing,” I often find myself reading these too, looking for similarities between my symptoms and theirs, and reading responses from non-expert random women who may or may not be or have ever been pregnant.
In short, I’ve become almost obsessed… but in a good way. I am determined to get pregnant and I want to do it on my own and I believe knowledge is power. While I am willing to take Clomid, or whatever the Doctor may prescribe, I much prefer to get pregnant the old fashioned way. The way I did with Luke. Why is it so hard this time?!
My greatest fear is that I’ll never have another child. I fear that I’ll never hold my newborn again and that those special moments I had with Luke are gone and that I all too often took them for granted.
I hope that in all this I have never sounded ungrateful. I am so incredibly grateful for Parker and Luke and thank God for them every day. I also know that I already have one child more than many couples out there and if he is the only child I ever have, then I am truly blessed. It is because he is so wonderful and brings so much joy to our lives that we want more. I know that the Lord has a plan for our family and it is my daily prayer that His plan includes more children. I can only do so much. The rest is up to Him.
I am having a 21 day blood test done on Monday to check my progesterone, prolactin and thyroid levels. My doctor told me that if any are abnormal he will put me on Clomid, but not before Parker has to give a semen sample. I am also going to use a natural progesterone cream, PreSeed anda basal body temperature thermometer this cycle, on top of my OPKs (ovulation predictor kits), and see if any of these help at all. Needless to say we are both hoping that we can skip the fertility drugs.
You probably stopped reading this a long time ago, thinking “Wow! This chick is neurotic!” It’s true, I am. But for those of you who were committed to seeing my incessant ranting through, I thank you and ask only that you keep me and every family out there who is TTC (trying to conceive), counting their DPO (days past ovulation) and hoping for a BFP ( big fat positive), in your prayers;)
Philippians 4:6-8
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.
